Bear tracks in the night

Sweet to the taste

2010-04-30T14:56:00.000-07:00

Ezekiel 2.8-3.11

Revelation 10.1-11

These two passages are from my suggested scripture readings for yesterday, 29 April, but I find them interesting nonetheless. Both of these selections from Ezekiel and Revelation speak of being presented with a scroll, being commanded by God to eat the scroll, with the scroll first tasting sweet. Yet, Revelation speaks of the scroll turning the author's stomach sour.

To me, the image of eating the scroll from God is akin to keeping God's word posted on our doorways and in our hearts. Both statements are essentially a call to meditate on the word of God both day and night. To my ear, though, devouring the scroll is an extension of Jesus' prayer "give us this day our daily bread" as we are called to feed on God's word daily.

When I think of the Revelation 10 passage, I see some semblance of my own life. Yes, I do know the word of God is sweet to the taste, but sometimes the challenge of following it can turn my stomach sour by either anger or fear. I look back on these experiences as moments of God's grace, mercy, and a call for growth.

I must say that I see this happening now. The United States has many residents who are Christian, who feed on the sweet words of God, and yet the challenge to follow them seems to have soured many stomachs.

1. God calls us to care for the aliens among us (Lev. 19.33-34), and yet we wrestle and call each other names in striving for a humane and compassionate policy on immigration.

2. Though it may be easy to demonize the supporters of Arizona's "Papers, please" law, Christ asks us to love one another, especially our enemies and those who disagree with us. I am waiting to see this.

This is what I mean when I say I believe the tenor of contemporary political discourse to be unbiblical. We find the words of God's mercy, compassion, patience, and forgiveness to be sweet, but yet the challenge to share these gifts with our enemies seems to sour our stomachs.

2010-04-24T14:56:00.001-07:00

The kingdom of God is within you, seeking to be freed from bonds of fear, anger, mistrust, competition, and greed.

2010-04-24T03:40:00.001-07:00

God is a continuous thread, stitching together the seemingly dissparate parts of our lives. Once we become aware of how the needle that is the Holy Spirit pierces our conscience in the different parts of our lives, we can begin to see what God is making us to be.

The Work of Christmas

2009-12-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

[This is a reconstruction of the message I preached at Tenderloin Open Cathedral this past Sunday, 20 Dec 09. At Tenderloin Open Cathedral I preach from the outline in my head.]

The sermon was based on Psalm 80:1-7, focusing on verse 80:3,"Turn us again to yourself, O God. Make your face shine down upon us. Only then will we be saved," (NLT).

In one of my favorite Christmas carols we sing the chorus, "Star of wonder, star of night. Star with royal beauty bright. Westward leading, still proceeding, Guide us to thy perfect light." It is a prayer some utter this time of year, paying homage to the wanting to slow down, to want to meditate on what the star is guiding us to. A verse from Psalm 80 points to this as well: "Turn us again to yourself, O God. Make your face shine down upon us. Only then will we be saved."

This verse imagines God's face shining down upon us, guiding us like a star in the night.

God wants to turn our sight towards him as we walk in the shadows during the shortest days of the year. In the cold, God's face shines down, like a star, over Emmanuel -- "God with us" -- Jesus. Not Jesus who is the mature adult teaching the Beatitudes, but as a baby shivering in the cold, lying in a manger.

God's hope to us, Jesus, comes to us each year as a fragile baby, shivering in the cold. I sense some people are uncomfortable with this image as they rush to plant the cross next to the manger, reminding us of the salvific work of the cross as Jesus is barely in diapers. This rush, however, ignores the work of Christmas

I myself am finally beginning to make sense of the image of baby Jesus in the manger. Jesus who is our hope, comes to us as a tiny baby to be nurtured by us and to instruct us.

When someone holds a baby, there can be the reaction of discomfort. You know the person I am talking about-- the person who holds the baby awkwardly and as soon as the baby dirties her diaper hands her back to her mom or dad. Figuratively, these are the types who barely slow down at Christmas.

However, there is another reaction one could have towards Christmas -- to pick up to cradle and nurture the Christ child. When you pick up a baby, your heart can melt at the sight of a baby's smile or giggle. When you hold a baby, you're reminded to be gentle and not rough. Lastly, when you look into the eyes of a baby, you want to make the world a better place so babies can grow up free of fear, hunger, and violence.

This is the work of Christmas, to pick up the Christ child: to let our hearts be melted so God can work in us and through us; to hold and treat each other with gentleness; and to try to make a world a better place for all of God's children.

2009-10-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

Job 17:2 reads, "Scoffers are my only companions, their harshness haunts my nights."

This may seem like a harsh sentiment, but it is a verse that gets close to how I feel some mornings when I get home from work.

Though I feel good about my work the last few nights, there are times I feel like this verse from Job. Perhaps it was because I felt useless as my gaze was met the guilt ridden eyes of those who self medicate; perhaps it could be that someone seeing my collar may have his or her paranoid delusions involving religious figures is triggered; even still, maybe I was the target of some body's issue of how the church seems to have damaged more lives than helped.

I am often asked if it is hard to see such chronic suffering night after night. I will not lie, some nights, my hope seems to be extinguished. Yet, Christ looked out on the people with a heavy heart, because they were like a flock without a shepherd.

Christ beckons to me on such nights to have patience, both with myself and the work of the Spirit; seeds that are sown now may bear fruit tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or maybe even next decade. Recently, I was speaking at a church. Afterwords a retired juvenile cop walked up to me and told me a story of how a former teen he worked with called him up and thanked him for caring all those years ago. I too am now cultivating such stories of how somebody appreciated me taking the time to talk under a street light or in a coffee shop.

Patience is not just a virtue, but a fruit of the Spirit, especially in regards to the work of the Spirit.

Hello, Gracie

2009-07-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

Psalm 41.7, "All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me."

This particular verse from Psalm 41 spoke to me this morning. Often times, we think our worst enemies come from outside us; but there are many whose worst enemy comes from within.

I am reminded of this because of my own ongoing struggles of not being good enough in the eyes of Christ. The truth is, I still wrestle with this sometimes. When I am busy crucifying on my own cross, I listen to the tapes in my head from my past. The troubling part is, though I replay these tapes/scripts in my head of not being good enough, I choose to bolster my own negative self-image, thus limiting what I can learn, but I also limit how much use I can be to the Holy Spirit.

Without going into much detail, there were incidents that I partook in my early to mid-teen years that caused me to learn to see myself as dirty, even, or especially, in the eyes of God.

These internal, self produced scripts unfortunately short changed my learning and effectiveness during my chaplain residency just a few years ago, sometimes in some dramatic ways.

Thankfully, I know God loves me; I have undergone therapy, and have a wonderful spiritual director. These folks have been resilient, and stood between me, myself and I when I have tried to either sabatoge or flog myself. I have developed tools and practices to know what to do when Satan tries to nurture seeds of doubt in myself. I have learned to accept and practice the grace of Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, many of my sisters and brothers with mental illness don't have the tools and medicine to fight even more pernicious internal enemies. For some, issues of self-doubt are wrapped tightly up with a mental health diagnisis, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or clinical depression. For them, my job is to touch my own pain, and speak to them the grace and love of Jesus Christ. To practice God's grace with others, one first has to practice it with oneself. Through grace, comes patience, and patience is what one needs in walking with and ministering to others.

Reflections on Song of Solomon 2.1-7

2009-05-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

God is the rose of immense beauty we behold -- we glimpse, then turn away because we feel ashamed. Yet, the rose of beauty that is God's love is for us.

Because we may feel unworthy of God's love, we run, hiding amongst the thorns and stones.

Yet, God follows after us in love, peering through the holes in the shack where we may hide. God is there, ever calling out to -- to love and be loved.

Dear God, you wait for me to return home to your love like a wayward son. You celebrate, picking up my tired body. You carry me through the gate, and your banner over me is love.

In love, you strengthen and nourish me with the raisins and apples that are the fruits of your Spirit.

Lord, protect me as I rest in your arms so I may rise and say I love you too.

Amen.

Reflections John 10:22-30

2009-05-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

Jesus said, "I and the Father are one," in John 10:30.

God has many names in the bible because God is infinite, and beyond our mortal comprehension. Hebrew scholars have debated about the nature of God. In Jesus day, there was a strain of people who thought God wanted strict adherence to Levitical codes, which include rites of proper sacrifice of animals, and proper ritual cleanliness which ostracized many people from god. Conversely, John the Baptizer represented a line of thought that the only sacrifice God wanted was our hearts, complete with ongoing sacrificial acts of mercy and compassion. I tend to fall in line with John the Baptizer, as he was a harbinger of God's reign in Jesus. Both John and Jesus said, "Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand!" Jesus himself quotes from Hosea 6:6 saying, "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."

If Jesus "and the Father are one," then Jesus too is confusing, and beyond words. Jesus as a teach spoke in parabolic riddles, healed, asked his followers to become like children, was the living presence of God, and yet he confounded even his closest followers about what the fulfillment of the coming of the kingdom of God meant.

Yet, Jesus pointed out that God was not so much about belief, but an experience; of intention rather than thought. What is the experience of God? Isaiah 30:10 says that God longs to be gracious, is full of compassion, and a God of justice. Jesus as the gate to God (John 10:9), is full of graciousness, compassion, and longs for justice.

As Christians, when we enter into God's presence through Jesus, we enter into an experience of graciousness, forgiveness, mercy, and justice. As Christ takes root in our lives, we begin to practice these virtues of the Spirit initially with ourselves, but then with our friends, family, and neighbors as well.

Though Jesus and God are one Jesus is in us and we are in him. Though we are not God, in the words of Fr. Henri Nouwen, we become sign posts to God. As Christians, it is our mission to have others experience God's grace through us, through our compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and love. Amen.

Everything I learned about being a minister, I learned in the bar...

2009-04-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I have never been much of a bar person. It's one of those things since I never really developed a taste for beer.

This is interesting, because much of my "good ministry" happens in a bar. There is a bar in the Tenderloin that has an established relationship with the Night Ministry that I stop into at least twice during my work week. To protect the anonymity of the patrons, I will call it the 7 Up Lounge.

It's interesting that I feel completely at ease at the 7 Up Lounge, and yet over the years I have not been at ease in bars. However, everything I have needed to know about being a good night minister, I have learned from hanging out at the 7 Up Lounge.

1. No matter how ineffectual it may feel, showing up on a consistent basis to a location does good; familiarity breeds comfort.

2. Lingering is your friend. It is good to show one's face in a spot on a regular basis, but one needs to linger as well. Over time, I have made it a point to learn the names and the frameworks of people's stories.

3. No matter how uncomfortable it may feel, conversations about politics can be good things. There is a guy at the 7 Up Lounge who has baited me into political discussions, but I have found out over time it was his way of learning if he could trust me. Since then, he has asked me for advice on some of life's questions.

4. Sip the orange juice slowly. Restrooms are closed at night.

Resurrection blows like a wind...

2009-04-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

I sit waiting for resurrection amidst death.

However, as I reflect, I realize that the resurrection is not a passive event, but one in which God blew life back into Jesus and rolling away the stone.

Paul states in Romans 6 that through our baptism, we undergo a similar death, and thus resurrection like Jesus.

Yes, God is responsible for the winds of resurrection, but it is up to us to respond. We can either shut the window, or let the wind of God's change blow in us.

Earlier this week, I had a big peak at resurrection. Without going into too much detail, I had a really good, substantial conversation with my mother for well over an hour. This is very significant because I have not seen her in over 23 years. I have learned over the years that a prominent person in my life served as a buffer between my mother and I as I was growing up, intercepting telephone calls, destroying mail, etc. Though I have had touch and go conversations with my mother since 2005, I made a point to move past anger at other people and wrote a heart-felt letter to my mother. My mother said the letter made her cry, and that she had wanted to write a similar one. Resurrection happens.

Palm Sunday thoughts

2009-04-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am finally sitting down. It sure feels good to do that.

I preached at our Open Cathedral today. It was fun; some people notices my hair matched my purplish-pink stole. I find preaching at the Night Ministry's Open Cathedral fun because it is a different venue, and it pushes my limits. For the most part over the years, I have preached from a manuscript, but in a intimate forum like Open Cathedral, I have shifted to preaching from just an outline. Yikes! I am still negotiating this shifting energy. I find that preaching at OC allows for a more dynamic, interactive sermon. Today, I had a more detailed outline than when I preached on the 22nd of March. Though I felt I preached a good sermon today, I felt I had more interaction with my sermon in March because I a) had a less detailed outline, which b) allowed for more audience participation.

I preached on Mark 11.1-11, and Philippians 2.5-11. I would post the sermon, but I find it hard trying to recreate what I said on the fly. I focused in on Philippians 2.5, "Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus." I tried to explain how this verse applies to us as believers in light of what Paul said in Romans 6.5-8 and Romans 5.18. I tried to weave this into the Beatitudes, and how they begin to describe the mind of Christ.

Though I felt it was okay, some people said they really liked it. One said it was doctrinally sound, and asked if I was Lutheran. :o) After service, I had lunch then rested in front of city hall with some friends from the Faithful Fools on a week-long street retreat for Holy Week.

And now I rest before work...

Death and New Life

2009-03-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

II Corinthians 4:7-18, "7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 13 It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

The message of Paul in II Cor to me is that as Christians, we carry around both the death and resurrection of Christ Jesus. In the lie, "For we who are alive are always given over to death for Jesus' sake; so that his life may be revealed in our own mortal body (verse 4:11)." This is a theme that is always rising in Paul's writings -- the ongoing, constant tension of what it means to be a Christian -- to embody both the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I think Paul said it best in Romans 12 when he urges us not to be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewing of our minds and hearts. To me, to carry around the death is a challenge to not only to be aware of the things that call our attention away from God, but to also to have the courage and grace to die to old ways for the sake of Christ. In so doing, we are resurrected and Christ can work through our whole being.

The challenge I see to this passage of Paul is that I work in instances where people constantly kill parts of themselves. However, instead of dying to old habits so that Christ may be glorified, some prefer to wallow in death and destruction. On-going self medication through abuse of self, alcohol, drugs, exploitation, leads people to the delusion that they are not worthy of God. It is hard to hear the gospel of new life when all you see is misery and anguish around you.

This is where the mission of the SF Night Ministry, "to rekindle the hope" is so important. I walk the streets with my colleagues to continuously sow seeds seeds of hope, so that people may understand all are worthy of Christ's hope for new life. Sometimes my most meaningful work comes when I tell a gay male, intoxicated yet attentive, that, yes, Jesus does indeed love him; or to a sex worker that her tears water seeds of hope for herself, and that God works through her just as she is.

The challenge for me is to die to my doubts of myself in regards to my work, to put away my feelings of being ineffectual, and to just trust that the Spirit is working in ways I may see or not see.

Amen.

So a priest walks into a bar...

2008-12-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

Often over the last few weeks, I have felt like a set up for the joke, "A priest walks into a bar," and yet, it is imperative to my job.

When I first started, I thought I would have a hard time going into bars and would just haunt the 24-hour donut and coffee shops. And yet, as the weeks have gone by, I have found it easier to sit and talk in bars.

There is one I usually stop in, and in one instance, a woman asked me as I was walking in, "Are you for real?" To which I replied, "Yes, I know I am a set up for a joke." We proceeded to have a good conversation. As I have made it a point to frequent this bar, I have gotten to know some of the regulars, and am known simply as "Fr. Thom."

Recently, it has been raining in SF, and after a reprieve, I visited a regular person the Night Ministry talks with. Over the course of the conversation, he stated the one thing he really needed was a garbage bag for his clothes. Instead of proceeding to a local supermarket, I stopped into a neighborhood bar and ordered a coffee and two garbage bags to go.

So, a priest walks into a bar...

Bitter cup of sorrow

2008-12-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

Reflections on Matthew 20.20-28

"Can you drink from this bitter cup?" Christ asks James and John, sons of Zebedee.

"Yes," they reply. Christ Jesus in turn responds, "Yes, indeed you will."

Christ drank deeply from the bitter cup of sorrow, as did his disciples and believers through the centuries. Jesus drank deeply from the cup of sorrow; in doing so, Christ tasted what it is to be human -- to taste fear, despair, discouragement, betrayal, isolation, discrimination, abandonment, and death. Christ took all this, drank,and turned these bitter grapes into the sweet wine resurrection, hope, new life, and solidarity.

As is stands right now, I can hold the bitter cup of sorrow, but can only sip it lightly before I pass it back. In my work as associate night minister, I pass by several cups of sorrow each night. Sometimes the cups are held out to me to drink from as well; other cups are spilt all over the ground; and yet other cups are clutched so tightly out of mistrust so as not to be shared.

As I grow into my position as a night minister, I know part of my role is to commune with those on the streets and drink from each cup of sorrow as it is presented to me. At first I would merely sip just enough from a cup of sorrow to just enough to wet my lips with the taste of a particular brand of sorrow, and then quickly hand the cup back. Slowly, over the weeks, I have begun to linger a bit more, to saunter. Instead of sipping sorrow and passing the cup back, I am learning to hold the cup longer, sip, and at least sniff the aroma of bitterness.

Such is where I am as I grow into my role as a night minister. I think at least the other night I was able to help squeeze out at least one drop of the sweet wine of Christ's hope.