Job 17:2 reads, "Scoffers are my only companions, their harshness haunts my nights."

This may seem like a harsh sentiment, but it is a verse that gets close to how I feel some mornings when I get home from work.

Though I feel good about my work the last few nights, there are times I feel like this verse from Job. Perhaps it was because I felt useless as my gaze was met the guilt ridden eyes of those who self medicate; perhaps it could be that someone seeing my collar may have his or her paranoid delusions involving religious figures is triggered; even still, maybe I was the target of some body's issue of how the church seems to have damaged more lives than helped.

I am often asked if it is hard to see such chronic suffering night after night. I will not lie, some nights, my hope seems to be extinguished. Yet, Christ looked out on the people with a heavy heart, because they were like a flock without a shepherd.

Christ beckons to me on such nights to have patience, both with myself and the work of the Spirit; seeds that are sown now may bear fruit tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or maybe even next decade. Recently, I was speaking at a church. Afterwords a retired juvenile cop walked up to me and told me a story of how a former teen he worked with called him up and thanked him for caring all those years ago. I too am now cultivating such stories of how somebody appreciated me taking the time to talk under a street light or in a coffee shop.

Patience is not just a virtue, but a fruit of the Spirit, especially in regards to the work of the Spirit.

Hello, Gracie

Psalm 41.7, "All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me."

This particular verse from Psalm 41 spoke to me this morning. Often times, we think our worst enemies come from outside us; but there are many whose worst enemy comes from within.

I am reminded of this because of my own ongoing struggles of not being good enough in the eyes of Christ. The truth is, I still wrestle with this sometimes. When I am busy crucifying on my own cross, I listen to the tapes in my head from my past. The troubling part is, though I replay these tapes/scripts in my head of not being good enough, I choose to bolster my own negative self-image, thus limiting what I can learn, but I also limit how much use I can be to the Holy Spirit.

Without going into much detail, there were incidents that I partook in my early to mid-teen years that caused me to learn to see myself as dirty, even, or especially, in the eyes of God.

These internal, self produced scripts unfortunately short changed my learning and effectiveness during my chaplain residency just a few years ago, sometimes in some dramatic ways.

Thankfully, I know God loves me; I have undergone therapy, and have a wonderful spiritual director. These folks have been resilient, and stood between me, myself and I when I have tried to either sabatoge or flog myself. I have developed tools and practices to know what to do when Satan tries to nurture seeds of doubt in myself. I have learned to accept and practice the grace of Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, many of my sisters and brothers with mental illness don't have the tools and medicine to fight even more pernicious internal enemies. For some, issues of self-doubt are wrapped tightly up with a mental health diagnisis, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or clinical depression. For them, my job is to touch my own pain, and speak to them the grace and love of Jesus Christ. To practice God's grace with others, one first has to practice it with oneself. Through grace, comes patience, and patience is what one needs in walking with and ministering to others.

Reflections on Song of Solomon 2.1-7

God is the rose of immense beauty we behold -- we glimpse, then turn away because we feel ashamed. Yet, the rose of beauty that is God's love is for us.

Because we may feel unworthy of God's love, we run, hiding amongst the thorns and stones.

Yet, God follows after us in love, peering through the holes in the shack where we may hide. God is there, ever calling out to -- to love and be loved.

Dear God, you wait for me to return home to your love like a wayward son. You celebrate, picking up my tired body. You carry me through the gate, and your banner over me is love.

In love, you strengthen and nourish me with the raisins and apples that are the fruits of your Spirit.

Lord, protect me as I rest in your arms so I may rise and say I love you too.

Amen.

Reflections John 10:22-30

Jesus said, "I and the Father are one," in John 10:30.

God has many names in the bible because God is infinite, and beyond our mortal comprehension. Hebrew scholars have debated about the nature of God. In Jesus day, there was a strain of people who thought God wanted strict adherence to Levitical codes, which include rites of proper sacrifice of animals, and proper ritual cleanliness which ostracized many people from god. Conversely, John the Baptizer represented a line of thought that the only sacrifice God wanted was our hearts, complete with ongoing sacrificial acts of mercy and compassion. I tend to fall in line with John the Baptizer, as he was a harbinger of God's reign in Jesus. Both John and Jesus said, "Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand!" Jesus himself quotes from Hosea 6:6 saying, "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."

If Jesus "and the Father are one," then Jesus too is confusing, and beyond words. Jesus as a teach spoke in parabolic riddles, healed, asked his followers to become like children, was the living presence of God, and yet he confounded even his closest followers about what the fulfillment of the coming of the kingdom of God meant.

Yet, Jesus pointed out that God was not so much about belief, but an experience; of intention rather than thought. What is the experience of God? Isaiah 30:10 says that God longs to be gracious, is full of compassion, and a God of justice. Jesus as the gate to God (John 10:9), is full of graciousness, compassion, and longs for justice.

As Christians, when we enter into God's presence through Jesus, we enter into an experience of graciousness, forgiveness, mercy, and justice. As Christ takes root in our lives, we begin to practice these virtues of the Spirit initially with ourselves, but then with our friends, family, and neighbors as well.

Though Jesus and God are one Jesus is in us and we are in him. Though we are not God, in the words of Fr. Henri Nouwen, we become sign posts to God. As Christians, it is our mission to have others experience God's grace through us, through our compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and love. Amen.

Everything I learned about being a minister, I learned in the bar...

I must admit, I have never been much of a bar person. It's one of those things since I never really developed a taste for beer.

This is interesting, because much of my "good ministry" happens in a bar. There is a bar in the Tenderloin that has an established relationship with the Night Ministry that I stop into at least twice during my work week. To protect the anonymity of the patrons, I will call it the 7 Up Lounge.

It's interesting that I feel completely at ease at the 7 Up Lounge, and yet over the years I have not been at ease in bars. However, everything I have needed to know about being a good night minister, I have learned from hanging out at the 7 Up Lounge.

1. No matter how ineffectual it may feel, showing up on a consistent basis to a location does good; familiarity breeds comfort.

2. Lingering is your friend. It is good to show one's face in a spot on a regular basis, but one needs to linger as well. Over time, I have made it a point to learn the names and the frameworks of people's stories.

3. No matter how uncomfortable it may feel, conversations about politics can be good things. There is a guy at the 7 Up Lounge who has baited me into political discussions, but I have found out over time it was his way of learning if he could trust me. Since then, he has asked me for advice on some of life's questions.

4. Sip the orange juice slowly. Restrooms are closed at night.

Resurrection blows like a wind...

I sit waiting for resurrection amidst death.

However, as I reflect, I realize that the resurrection is not a passive event, but one in which God blew life back into Jesus and rolling away the stone.

Paul states in Romans 6 that through our baptism, we undergo a similar death, and thus resurrection like Jesus.

Yes, God is responsible for the winds of resurrection, but it is up to us to respond. We can either shut the window, or let the wind of God's change blow in us.

Earlier this week, I had a big peak at resurrection. Without going into too much detail, I had a really good, substantial conversation with my mother for well over an hour. This is very significant because I have not seen her in over 23 years. I have learned over the years that a prominent person in my life served as a buffer between my mother and I as I was growing up, intercepting telephone calls, destroying mail, etc. Though I have had touch and go conversations with my mother since 2005, I made a point to move past anger at other people and wrote a heart-felt letter to my mother. My mother said the letter made her cry, and that she had wanted to write a similar one. Resurrection happens.

Palm Sunday thoughts

I am finally sitting down. It sure feels good to do that.

I preached at our Open Cathedral today. It was fun; some people notices my hair matched my purplish-pink stole. I find preaching at the Night Ministry's Open Cathedral fun because it is a different venue, and it pushes my limits. For the most part over the years, I have preached from a manuscript, but in a intimate forum like Open Cathedral, I have shifted to preaching from just an outline. Yikes! I am still negotiating this shifting energy. I find that preaching at OC allows for a more dynamic, interactive sermon. Today, I had a more detailed outline than when I preached on the 22nd of March. Though I felt I preached a good sermon today, I felt I had more interaction with my sermon in March because I a) had a less detailed outline, which b) allowed for more audience participation.

I preached on Mark 11.1-11, and Philippians 2.5-11. I would post the sermon, but I find it hard trying to recreate what I said on the fly. I focused in on Philippians 2.5, "Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus." I tried to explain how this verse applies to us as believers in light of what Paul said in Romans 6.5-8 and Romans 5.18. I tried to weave this into the Beatitudes, and how they begin to describe the mind of Christ.

Though I felt it was okay, some people said they really liked it. One said it was doctrinally sound, and asked if I was Lutheran. :o) After service, I had lunch then rested in front of city hall with some friends from the Faithful Fools on a week-long street retreat for Holy Week.

And now I rest before work...